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In Which My Career as a Comedy Writer Begins (And Probably Ends)

Here’s a joke in this week’s Women’s World, read aloud to the room today by my sister:

Q: What happens to frogs who illegally park?

A: They get toad.

It was requested by my father that she repeat it later, and people laughed genuinely at the silliness of it. The sudden wordplay. My sister looked at me expectantly. “That doesn’t make any sense,” I said.

Everyone vocally hated on me.

“You should change it to, ‘They find themselves toad’,” I said. And then I totally roflmao’d.

So, to recap:

Q: What happens to frogs who illegally park?

A: They find themselves toad.

Hollywood: I’m free this summer.

One Success

(Photo: Dinty W. Moore)
In the aftermath of from November, not only has my pedagogy paper, “Anything but the Truth: Lies in Nonfiction”, been accepted at the 2011 AWP Conference, but I was selected to deliver the Nonfiction Forum’s craft lecture.

I keep wanting to call it a keynote. I’m just going to call it the 2011 AWP Conference Pedagogy Forum in Nonfiction’s Keynote Craft Lecture.

Here’s some of the gist of my paper:

This exercise asks students to focus on form and structure while keeping content off their radars. Specifically, students are told to write an essay in which nothing is true, everything is made up. They cannot, however, produce fiction. This tension helps us talk in class about just what it is that makes an essay an essay. If nonfiction is no longer beholden to “the truth”, what makes it distinct from other genres?

I did this with my graduate students this semester as an in-class exercise, and they all (or, well, those that spoke up) seemed to love it. What I did was give them titles of essays on index cards. I recall “On In-Laws” being one of them. The questions I had are the questions I have about nonfiction that interest me. Who starts with history? Who (like me, all the time) leans on etymology for insight? Who explores through personal narrative and who avoids it?

Of course, writing something in which nothing is true is impossible. A lot of them go to the truth. It’s not a problem; they have to, really. Maybe it doesn’t logically follow (please remark) that because it’s impossible to make everything up, it thus is equally impossible to make nothing up. Maybe this isn’t a sound argument for the allowance of invention in nonfiction.

At any rate, I’ve got a 15-minute paper to write before February.

Sisters, Cats, Ailments

I have sisters and these sisters have cats and I’ve been staying these past few nights with my sisters and their cats, back in old Northern Virginia. Here’s Alex:

He’s a bit crosseyed, and looks over your shoulder when he’s trying to look at you.

Here’s Whimbley:

She has arthritis in her forepaw and thus holds it in the air while seated.

Here’s me:

I’m allergic to cats.

Dear Completionists

In a bit of Modest Mouse nostalgia and reverie last night, I stumbled upon an MP3 copy of the band’s 1993 demo-tape release, titled Tube-Fruit, All Smiles and Chocolate. It’s available to download here.

I’m listening to it now for the first time. Expect lo-fi noise, much along the lines of Sad Sappy Sucker, with even fewer (if any?) drums. But SSS is an album that took a while to grow on me and is now among my favorites of theirs, so I have high hopes for this one.

“The Bathing Suit She Wore” – Emmet Otter’s Jugband Christmas

UPDATE: Fixed, thanks to commenter Jamie.

This is maybe my favorite song from this staple of my and my family’s holiday season. Well, there’s “Brothers”. Here: lemme talk a bit about one of the things that makes this movie so great. If you haven’t seen it, for shame. One of Henson’s best. The story?based on a book by Russell Hoban that I haven’t read but which would make (hint, hint) an incredible Christmas present?follows Emmet and his mother, who both destroy or sell each other’s money-making items in order to enter and hopefully win a talent contest. Their talents are both singing (though Emmet can also play the washtub bass), and they learn in the end that they’re only so-so unless they sing and play together.

Or maybe they learn that certain men who write a lot of bluegrass and roots music get mad that audiences fall so easily for effects-laden rock ‘n’ roll.
Continue reading “The Bathing Suit She Wore” – Emmet Otter’s Jugband Christmas

Benjamin Nugent, American Nerd: The Story of My People

Katie gave this to me to read and I’d expected light Klosterman fluff. Klosterman blurbed the book, for instance. Instead, I got a wonderfully smart book on the origins of nerddom that was incredibly researched without being bogged down by its incredible research. Nugent reads proto-nerds in Dr. Frankenstein, Austen’s Mary Bennett, and Forster’s Tibby (from Howards End, currently reading). He roots the stereotype in anti-Semitic terror around wartime, as something “muscular Christianity” had to fight against.

Or, well, maybe it’s others than have done the rooting for him, but Nugent is if anything a skilled amalgamator of material. But then he reads hipsters (current, Williamsburg “look at this fucking” hipsters) as fake nerds, and suddenly he’s maybe the smartest guy in the room. It’s a form of rebellion kids make away from “bobo” parents, Nugent argues (following Brooks), an alignment with some artificial form of purism. (Hence PBR, trucker caps, taxidermy, mustaches: it’s all old school.) Then he quick-sums-up Mailer’s “White Negro” (which argued that white hipsters in the 1950s fabricated an identification with the Negro to hold onto the living-under-threat they felt during the atomic age) and ends up here:

What we have right now, in Brooklyn, the Bay Area, Portland, East Los Angeles—neighborhoods where bourgeois young people work at magazines, movie studios, TV shows, Web sites and advertising, so that cultural trends work like weather at sea, offering the newcomers a chance to prove themselves, upending the complacent—is a similar choice on the part of the privileged to identify with the outsider. The outsider in this case is the nerd, because nerds are people incapable of, or at least averse to, riding cultural trends. When your greatest fear is that you will become a loser because your intuition will fail to keep up with tastes, you embrace the nerd like a little harmless teddy bear who’s the one creature in the whole wide world who would never do anything to hurt you. (121, my emphasis).

Yes! I’m unable to recall the product sold and Google searches brought up nothing, but there’s some booze commercial with panracial hipsters dancing a nightclub, and there’s one guy with classic nerd glasses and carefully chosen “nerdy” clothes, and you look at him dancing in this club with all confidence and you know he, like, got laid at age 13.

Maybe hipsters-as-fake-nerds isn’t some groundbreaking revelation but it hit me as smart. And then there’s the rest of Nugent’s book, about his own nerd upbringing, which is racially and socioeconomically complicated and generally tragic and yet uplifting. Honest, overall. Go buy this book.

UPDATE: It’s this guy, below, from this stupid commercial.

Sudden Changes in Thinking and Attention

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about scope. I’ve been reading about new developments regarding taxes and the U.S. Congress and the presidential candidate I voted for in 2008, and I’ve been reading about work by a gay artist that has been removed from the Smithsonian, and all the news looks bleak. It’s been a very long time (2008, I imagine) since I’ve looked to the year ahead and seen sunny days and clear skies. I don’t know that our country will ever be a place to be proud of again.

I’ve diagnosed myself as suffering from abstraction sickness. It’s a malady similar, perhaps, to Reality Hunger. I can define it as an inability to focus on or fully comprehend items, concepts, and people that are both geographically distant and generally plural. I read an article about gays in the military and I find no clarity, and then I attend a meeting of the Capstone Alliance—UA’s queer faculty advocacy group—and I feel some small kind of warmth. The creator of a very successful cable television show tells me through acquaintanceship that no TV writers’ room she knows of would ever let a book-writer like me inside, and then I read a profile of Chuck Lorre in the New Yorker, and like that I lose all interest in people who write television for a living.
Continue reading Sudden Changes in Thinking and Attention

My Style in The Authentic Animal

From the official Style Sheet, as drawn up by my publisher, St. Martin’s:

Author’s style

  • uses fragments
  • favors vague pronoun constructions (e.g., “It would be like finding a new kind of bird,” where “It” has no clear antecedent)—lightly edited for especially confusing instances
  • recounts visits, demos, etc. in present tense
  • uses “human” as noun form for “human being”

The fully copyedited MS came today. It was like Christmas a month early.

New Cupboard Volume: Andrew Borgstrom's <em>Explanations</em>

At last! After a prolonged delay caused by trying to figure out the workings of this pamphlet series I co-edit now that I live in a new state, the next volume of The Cupboard is out and ready for you .

Andrew Borgstrom’s Explanations is a deceptively slim volume, comprising just thirty-six voices explaining the ways of the world. But such voices! And such ways of such a world! It’s impossible for me to pick a favorite, but here’s one I love incredibly:

A Critical Thinker Explains Of and For

Oxygen! That’s what I would die for, fight for, fight to the death for, die gasping for. If I died of lung cancer, I would have died for cigarettes, and for freedom, and for pleasure, and of addiction. The coroner will say you died of something, and the eulogist will say you died for something. It’s largely setting. Some of us die fors, but all of us die ofs. They want you to tell them what you’re willing to die for, but not what you’re willing to die of. If you don’t know what you would die for, you may not know what you’re living for, but you can be assured it’s the oxygen you’re living of.

You can also subscribe to The Cupboard, if you haven’t already. Still just $15 for four quarterly volumes.

Interview on NF and The Authentic Animal with BWR

Eric Parker interviewed me a couple months ago for Black Warrior Review and because it was over email and not in person I was able to say coherent things.

Minor successes!

You can read the review, in which I call out the Republican Party and David Shields regarding certain qualms of mine, here.

(No ideas on that making-it-tough-to-read background.)

I Review Myself, Posted as Promised Below

The very cool blog, We Who Are About To Die just published a review of my Stamp Story with Mud Luscious Press, which asks writers to write a story in exactly 50 words. Or is it 50 words or fewer? And then prints these stories on a stamp. Mine’s an excerpt from the taxidermy book.

(It occurs to me that an interesting way to go about doing this would be to write 1.6 words each day for the month of November.)

At any rate, you’ll find the review here. Of course I panned it. Can one possibly not? There are other self-reviews on WWAATD, and it would be cool to watch this become a genre of writing. In this, its protean stages, self-deprecation is (I think?) the norm. Who will be the self-reviewer to smash convention and love his own work? Or the self-reviewer who … reviews someone else in his own self-review!

I now regret the tack I took.

The No I'm Wri-ing

I’m a participant in this year’s , or NaNoWriMo, which challenges people to write a 50,000-word novel in 30 days.

I’ve been “writing” a novel in my head for six years, with several starts that have been abandoned. I’ve been teaching novels and telling people how to write them and giving advice on my friends’ novels for years. Years of talking about writing novels. Now I’m writing one.

NaNoWriMo is easy to hate. In the midst of more writers in the world than readers to read their work, why should we encourage this production of writing for writing’s sake? What good novel was ever expurgated in this way, in 30 days?

All I know is that I moved in here August and since then I haven’t really written anything. I’ve done some revising. I wrote for a blog a review of my own contribution to Mud Luscious Press’s stamp stories project, which I’ll probably link to if it ever gets posted. I’ve written here. But I haven’t written “real” writing while worrying about writing “real” writing.

Now I’m writing, averaging about 2,000 words a day. Continue reading The No I'm Wri-ing

Some Notes on Publishing

I’ve been asked by Michael Martone to talk a bit to his publishing class about being a writer, living the life of a writer, and how both submitting my work for publication and publishing the work of others plays into it all. I can say that they’ve always been twinned for me, that around the time I started thinking about writing for real I also started thinking about starting a magazine, which I did in 2002 in Pittsburgh and promptly published my first online essay. It wasn’t all we published, we being I and my friend and fellow alt-weekly contributor Jenn, but it was there.

I suppose it begins earlier, with the alt-weekly internship I got the same semester I took an intro to journalism class. While learning what AP style was and how to write a good lede and how to structure stories in inverted-pyramid form, I also was sent out into the city to write about events, or more specifically to call people on the phone about events that were going to take place. I wrote what’s called previews. I showed up in the office, I was given a task, I wrote it, it got in the paper the following week.
Continue reading Some Notes on Publishing

Potential Writers’ Conference Panels, An Unordered List

  • Anything But the Truth: Lies in Nonfiction
  • Tin-Ears & Toss-Offs: Writing with a Disregard for Language
  • The Nonfiction Novel in Verse: Tomorrow’s Genre, Today!
  • Against Self-Expression
  • The Epic Essay
  • Regionalism as Fascism: Writing Against the Tyranny of Place
  • The Grass Castle: Marijuana & Memoir
  • Frisky Business: Writing Lucrative Erotica with Your Cat
  • Mem-wahr or Mem-wah?: Coming to Terms
  • So You Didn’t Get in to Iowa: Next Steps
  • Short Talks: Making Your Public Reading Feel Less Endless
  • Scrambling the Acronym: Queer Writers Queering the “Queer”
  • Guide My Hand: A Poetics of the Masturbation Scene
  • Magical Realism or Magic Irrealism: Must a Distinction Be Made?
  • The “Writers’ Conference”: New Ideas for Bringing Writers in Conversation Together
  • Meow, That Hurt!: Writing Lucrative Abuse Memoirs with Your Cat
  • Plots: Why Are They So Hard to Come Up With?
  • Writing What You Know: Dealing with the Void
  • The End of the Poem: Getting Your Entire Public Reading Audience to Sigh and Nod
  • Tricks of the Trade: Writing Solely for Money
  • Anyone wanna do a thing for AWP in 2012?

Black Warrior Review Fundraising Auction

For those of you in or near Alabama, much-esteemed literary journal Black Warrior Review, run entirely by U of A’s astoundingly great graduate students, is holding a fundraising auction on 11 November 2010. That’s right, Veteran’s Day, so be sure to schedule your holiday festivities early. The auction starts at 7pm. At a place called Little Willie’s. Let’s hope this isn’t some kind of innuendo.

Yours truly is donating his time, as below:

I, Dave Madden, though never having worked as a professional maid and never having really been known for cleanliness, am nonetheless very good at cleaning a place when my mind is set to it. If you bid on me, I agree to clean your home one afternoon or evening, on a day that works for both of us. I’ll wash dishes. I’ll scrub the kitchen and one bathroom. I’ll dust. I’ll vacuum (I’ve got a Dyson!), Swiffer, and mop your floors. I’ll do the insides of windows. I’ll make beds and fluff pillows. I won’t do any yard work—for which you’re welcome, trust me. I’d rather not tidy up a mess, seeing as how I won’t know where your clothes and items go, and I’d like not be sent into attics, crawlspaces, or anywhere likely to contain spiders. I won’t do laundry, but I’ll gladly fold laundry, unless one of us gets embarrassed. No oven-cleaning, but I’ll take on your stovetop. Other tasks negotiable. I can provide cleaning products, unless yours are better.

I’ll happily listen while you tell me about your day, or about your dreams, or about the foods you like best, or I can also just plug in to my iPod and keep quiet while you read. But I won’t wear, like, an outfit.

I mean, let’s be civil.

Not sure whether bids can be made remotely, but I can ask around. If you are in town, please stop by. There’ll be lots of more-satisfying things to bid on, I’ve been told.

Jefferson v. Emerson: A Showdown

From the New York Review of Books, 28 October 2010:

If nature has made any one thing less susceptible than all others of exclusive property, it is the action of the thinking power called an idea…. He who receives an idea from me, receives instruction himself without lessening mine; as he who lights his taper at mine, receives light without darkening mine.
—Jefferson (qtd. p. 4)

What another sees and tells you is not yours, but his.
—Emerson (qtd. p. 25)

Fight!

I Try Out Some New Voice Recognition Software

So tonight I have some things that I have to do once I’m done with this ongoing call Adam. Then I might reread Mary and of glasses essays, but that something that I might stay for tomorrow night. I think that the quality of the voice recognition gets worse the further aware of the computer the further away I am from the pewter and. But all the same it’s going well enough to recognize what I said originally, so my intention to use this in a classroom where students are telling anecdotes is probably going to be successful.

So after I call Adam and after I reread the essay’s library and a loss that is very end of boss, I need to call Neil’s–nice try, but it’s actually spelled and E a L–some, and you need more work recognizing my words.

‘s it somewhat more tedious to do this that is actually just type this is not increasing my productivity like your program promises or rather your packaging promises slung my productivity down. Maybe nestle under. McGinty take more tests so that you must live vocal patterns. Maybe I can talk more slowly, or speak more closely to the microphone. However I’m having a hard time coming up with reasons to use you, other than maybe in speech therapy. Life, maybe what it is that I can do with this program is learn how to talk slowly and to equate writing with this kind of cadence speech. (Nice job on hearing cadence although you did not hear the last D.)

Another thing that I do, is in preparation for reading, print out the story or or essay I intend to read and then read aloud while you are running the background. This way I can take the text that I create through dictation and match it up with the text that I printed out.

What does it do to Richard Powers novels that he writes them this way? It seems so much more tedious to delete anything that I say then it would be to delete anything that I typed, that it seems as though it would make me be so much more hesitant to producing some of more hesitant to try ideas out out loud and it’s almost as though ones novels become a kind of her personal in one’s head memorization of the text before the Texas produce, and us every novel is this kind of performance of what one’s already come up with in one subconscious. The

I also have to unload the dishwasher. I imagine you can help with that. I imagine that you can’t help me with that. Maybe one thing that you are good at is making us restate ourselves again and again so that errors that corrected and we can see both versions and choose the best in revision?

Then again hearing them having produced almost an entire page of text. Then again here I am, having produced almost an entire page of text. One things for sure, I’m going to start using a lot less, does that I already do if you’re going to make me say, every time one. I mean I’m going to start to use far fewer the word commons, see 0M and AES, then I already do.

You would not be very good at listening to and transcribing the punctuation manual.

I Read before the Whole World

“Who wants to buy a 1995 Toyota Celica? I see a nice one right over there….”

Last month, when I gave a reading from The Authentic Animal for my colleagues and students at the University of Alabama, there was someone pointing a tiny box at me the whole time. I knew it was a camera, I just knew it.

If you’d like to hear some stuff on jackalopes and terrorizing monkeys, you can find it at itunes.ua.edu. You need to have iTunes installed on your computer, and you’ll need to find the “Bankhead Visiting Writers” collection under the category of “literature”.

Literature!

And you’ll need to forgive the voice I apparently solicited Ray Romano to provide. Why did no one tell me I sound so froggy? “Something from the grill, Jill?” “Meat makes me ill, Gil.”

Do, though, stay tuned or like fast forward to Kellie Wells, who reads this amazing story about terrorizing mutant rabbits.

Animals are dangerous, clearly.

So Long, Harper’s Notebook

I usually skip the Notebook, that essay that begins each issue of Harper’s, particularly when Lapham writes it. I don’t know why this is. I also usually avoid history. I’ve for so long distrusted its usefulness with respect to the present. And so imagine my surprise to read the following conclusion to what seems to be the last Notebook essay and to come out of it wishing I could read more. More Notebooks. More history:

The more interesting questions [than those regarding what’s lost with new reading technologies] are epistemological. How do we know what we think we know? Why is it that the more information we collect the less likely we are to grasp what it means? Possibly because a montage is not a narrative, the ear is not the eye, a pattern recognition is not a figure or a form of speech. The surfeit of new and newer news comes so quickly to hand that within the wind tunnels of the “innovative delivery strategies” the data blow away and shred. The time is always now, and what gets lost is all thought of what happened yesterday, last week, three months or three years ago. Unlike moths and fruit flies, human beings bereft of memory, even as poor a memory as Montaigne’s or my own, tend to be disoriented and confused. I know no other way out of what is both the maze of the eternal present and the prison of the self except with a string of words.

That’s Lapham. Wish I could link to the full essay but it’s not online, suspiciously. One has to love a use of image in the thick of polemic that would make Orwell gleeful.

Here’s to decreased attention paid to news items linked on friends’ Facebook walls!