Obvious Things – Interviewing Ray Lewis

[The start of a new feature on this blog it’s anyone’s guess I’ll keep up on a regular basis. “Obvious Things”. It stems from advice better writers have fed to my ears and eyes over the years, most recently from Pixar’s Emma Coates: “Discount the 1st thing that comes to mind. And the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th – get the obvious out of the way. Surprise yourself.” I’m a loose tramp for the obvious idea. I welcome it right on in. Invention for me is a list-making process of weeding out obviousnesses, in the hopes that through dogged force I can find something interesting to say.

This week: obvious things to ask Ray Lewis, should I get the chance to interview him a la Visa & the NFL’s contest.]

  1. Why are you so goddamned terrible?
  2. Are you worried about losing brain functions via concussion?
  3. Or have you already lost brain functions?
  4. Was it from a concussion?
  5. Do you think you make too much money, especially given the unemployment rate these days?
  6. Have you read and did you enjoy Poe’s “The Raven”?
  7. Can you tell me a little bit about why not?
  8. Is “Ray” short for “Raymond” and if so, why not “Raymond Lewis”?
  9. You’re only three years old than me, almost to the day, but why do you seem so much older?
  10. Do you think that your being good at sports helped you get off easily with a misdemeanor plea in the Lollar-Baker stabbing deaths case of 2000, and during your 12-month probation did you go ahead and drink anyway because like why not you’re in the NFL?
  11. Why do you think the Ravens haven’t been to the Super Bowl since?
  12. Is it something the matter with you personally? Or are you more interested in placing blame elsewhere? Where, exactly?
  13. Shouldn’t your favorite color be brown/various browns and not purple? That is, weren’t you lying to that little girl in your Visa commercial?
  14. Do you even know that girl’s name?
  15. My name is Dave. Do you like it?
  16. I don’t have many black friends. Are you available?
  17. I’m gay, does it show? Are you in the market for a gay friend?
  18. What I’m saying is, even after some of those earlier questions, could we right here set up a kind of quid-pro-quo situation re friendship that would just dump all the world’s salt in the wounds of every actual NFL fan who didn’t win the contest I did win?
  19. Did you see Dark Knight? How aren’t you like Bane, do you think?
  20. What’ll it take to get you to admit right here that you voted for Romney?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *