[The start of a new feature on this blog it’s anyone’s guess I’ll keep up on a regular basis. “Obvious Things”. It stems from advice better writers have fed to my ears and eyes over the years, most recently from Pixar’s Emma Coates: “Discount the 1st thing that comes to mind. And the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th – get the obvious out of the way. Surprise yourself.” I’m a loose tramp for the obvious idea. I welcome it right on in. Invention for me is a list-making process of weeding out obviousnesses, in the hopes that through dogged force I can find something interesting to say.
This week: obvious things to ask Ray Lewis, should I get the chance to interview him a la Visa & the NFL’s contest.]
- Why are you so goddamned terrible?
- Are you worried about losing brain functions via concussion?
- Or have you already lost brain functions?
- Was it from a concussion?
- Do you think you make too much money, especially given the unemployment rate these days?
- Have you read and did you enjoy Poe’s “The Raven”?
- Can you tell me a little bit about why not?
- Is “Ray” short for “Raymond” and if so, why not “Raymond Lewis”?
- You’re only three years old than me, almost to the day, but why do you seem so much older?
- Do you think that your being good at sports helped you get off easily with a misdemeanor plea in the Lollar-Baker stabbing deaths case of 2000, and during your 12-month probation did you go ahead and drink anyway because like why not you’re in the NFL?
- Why do you think the Ravens haven’t been to the Super Bowl since?
- Is it something the matter with you personally? Or are you more interested in placing blame elsewhere? Where, exactly?
- Shouldn’t your favorite color be brown/various browns and not purple? That is, weren’t you lying to that little girl in your Visa commercial?
- Do you even know that girl’s name?
- My name is Dave. Do you like it?
- I don’t have many black friends. Are you available?
- I’m gay, does it show? Are you in the market for a gay friend?
- What I’m saying is, even after some of those earlier questions, could we right here set up a kind of quid-pro-quo situation re friendship that would just dump all the world’s salt in the wounds of every actual NFL fan who didn’t win the contest I did win?
- Did you see Dark Knight? How aren’t you like Bane, do you think?
- What’ll it take to get you to admit right here that you voted for Romney?